Time for a New Jacket

I have so many thoughts right now…

I’m coming home tomorrow. I will land in the states to spend time with my awesome brother, Dave, for a week. Then spend another week celebrating a wedding with my squad from the World Race. And then it’s home for me. As I have attempted to process this transition, there’s been many thoughts that have crossed my mind.

I’m so afraid that the box that I have been in my whole life will surround me as I leave this incredible season. I’m graduating from G42 and it is definitely time to come home. I don’t need to have more imparted to me. I need to give it away. But I want to acknowledge the fear and face it head on. And once again I choose to be completely honest and open in this process.

Today I had a conversation with some important people in my life and they asked me to remember what this past week has been like for me. As I remembered, I was blessed and so I would like to share with you.

We started the week with George Ridley. While this man cares deeply for others, he is also a realist and VERY good at asking questions that make you think. He spoke over and over again about having good work ethic and being a person of honor in it all. I was challenged again to be a person who follows through on my dreams even when it is hard work.

Thursday morning was an incredible time of relationship and release. Each of the graduates was prayed over and released into following their commitments and callings. During the prayer so much was given to me. Life was breathed into my spirit and I will claim those words as I go home. Thursday night was graduation with lots of pictures and blessings.

And then Friday. 🙂 Friday evening I climbed the mountain with Evin Feit and Nate Evans. As we hiked, we had some bomb conversations about heaven and made some plans to go white-water rafting, eat sandwiches, and do some awesome star-gazing when we get there (to heaven). After we watched the sunset and I froze my bum bum off, we started to come down in the dark with our headlamps. Halfway down we hit a clearing made of gravel and decided to lay down to star gaze. Little did we know we would be bombarded by God’s presence. After laying there for 20 minutes I thought we would get up and leave until…. dun dun duuuun. Laughter hit us like a ton of bricks. We laughed so hard (for no apparent reason) that our stomachs were cramping and our cheeks were hurting. And then… we laughed some more! It was INCREDIBLE! I am convinced that our laughter broke off some strongholds. When we were done, all three of us had a peace settle deep in our hearts.

Saturday morning we finished off with a sunrise hike, and one last family dinner on Sunday night eating Parmesan chicken and beautiful salad.

What a finish to a beautiful time here in Spain.

I started this blog by saying that I’m coming home soon. As I have been here I have grown in my confidence, identity, and intimacy with the Lord. I’ve become comfortable in this place. It is now time for a new season. Like Samuel receiving a new jacket every year from his mother Hannah, I am about to have a jacket placed on my shoulders that is a little big. My commitments and plans are about to be tested and tried until they come out refined and shining with purity. I will need to grow in order to fit into this jacket. But in the words of Rafiki from the Lion King “It is time”

In the ending scene of the Lion King, Simba hugs Rafiki and releases him to his new position. As Simba strides to take his place as king, the clouds open to the sound of his father’s voice speaking “remember”… “remember who you are” Simba pulls his head back to release a roar that shakes the earth. There is a roar in my spirit that also needs to be released. And I don’t think it can be until I confidently take the steps to the place God has for me. So once again, I will change jackets and step up to the place of confidence, leadership, and humility that this next season will call for…

Aawww Hell NO!

“You won’t be able to hang on to these things you’ve learned when you get home from G42”

“You can’t really BE joy and HAVE joy in the middle of hopelessness and fear”

“You only THINK you’ve changed because of the environment you’ve lived in for the last 6 months”

“God might not provide for you”

“Your victory is temporary”

These thoughts have been inching their way into my heart in the last week. They have tempted me to make decisions based on fear and not on faith. I have reacted to these thoughts in agreement and allowed them to take possession of my heart. I have agreed with the words and given them power in my beliefs and actions. I have been submitting to those thoughts and allowing them to have authority in me. It all culminated yesterday in an afternoon of fear. I started to think about my finances and my future and my thoughts spiraled into a panicked fear.

Now don’t get me wrong. Feeling the heaviness and giving in to the heaviness are two very different things. While yesterday was filled with tears and a bit of anxiety, it was also an experience that I am increasingly grateful for. It was incredible to  fully feel the fear of God not providing in order to delight in the fact that He will. 🙂

I just walked out of our morning class at G42 and I am buzzing. Today we talked about the weapons of our warfare. We addressed several stories in the Bible, but the one that stands out the most to me is the story of David and Goliath. When David came to the battleground all that Goliath had been doing for 40 days was standing and shouting. All that Goliath had up to that point in the war was his words. He looked huge to the Israelites and so they feared him and only saw in the physical.

When David came to see the war, he found the Isrealites running. Twice a day, morning and night, they would set up for battle and then turn an about-face in fear and run the other way as Goliath shouted. They saw a Giant. David saw an uncircumcised man. A man who was not in covenant with Almighty God and therefore was standing before them completely exposed and vulnerable. So David, seeing in his spirit, went to fight that man’s words with actions.

There is a truth to be grasped here. The enemy has words. And that’s all. The effect of his words are powerful. IF we agree with him. So how do I fight?

With my actions. With MY words that are actually GOD’S words and are of a deeper substance of truth than the enemy’s words.

“For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God,

and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

2 Corinthians 10:4-5

So when the enemy looks at me, sneers, and starts to speak words of fear or rejection at me. I can look back, sneer, and speak words of life right back at him. Not only that, I can look at the spirit of Fear in the face and know a basic truth about that demon. The spirit of fear is fearful and that is why he comes to torment me. The spirit of rejection has been rejected and is not allowed into God’s presence and peace. Those spirits have no power over my heart and soul unless I am giving them power.

But when I push against their words, I don’t try to subject the fear and anxiety to my own power. No, instead I show that demon Christ. I look them straight in the eye and say BECAUSE of Christ I have not been given a spirit of fear. You wanna know what I have instead?? I’ve got power. I’ve got love. And I’ve got self-discipline. Not because of my own power or my own ability to have these things. I have them because Christ gave them to me when He came back from the dead with the keys to the kingdom! He gave me His authority when He came back from beating death. HAH! So what do you have to say now, demon? You want to grapple with Christ? He’s my validity. Ya wanna try and beat Him? Because He already beat you at Calvary and now I’ve beat you because I am dead to myself and alive in Him!

When I woke up this morning, I was filled with joy. Because I believed the words David spoke to God when he said “weeping lasts for the night but joy comes in the morning”.  As I heard these words I was filled again with the knowledge of the Truth. I was reminded of past victories and bolstered with the new truths I have gained today. “Everything works together for my good” and “NOTHING can seperate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus”. I stand on that substance of life instead of on the shifting sand of the enemy who is seeking to destroy me.

So thank you very much, Spirit of Fear, but I think I will live in peace and joy today. No thank you to your offer of anxiety and mistrust. I know my God and I stand in His confidence. Not my own. If you would like to take this up with my Dad, you’ll find him on the throne, ruling over you. Buzz off, fear. I’ve got more important things to contemplate and meditate on.

Hmmm… now onto joy…

What ARE New Covenant Realities??

We had an incredible week here at G42 with Ted Hanson, a Pastor and Prophet in the U.S. When Ted comes it’s like a wind of words comes sweeping into your ears and heart. You don’t quite know where those words are coming from. When you try to grasp them only with your thoughts and mind, you become quite exhausted. But if your heart and spirit are like a windmill- constantly in motion and available to move where the wind blows- you will find the motion of love and mystery combining in you to produce power.

As we sat in Ted’s presence this week, he talked about Old Covenant and New Covenant. Since Jesus there has been an availability to mankind of living in the New Covenant. However, this new covenant is not like the Old Covenant. It is completely new in its DNA and make up. While in class, we talked about some of the differences between Old Covenant and New Covenant. I would like to present some of these differences to you. But before I do that, I will give you two quotes that were some of my favorite from this week.

“He came to get heaven into your hell to transform your hell so that you can be heaven in the midst of the hell of earth.”

AND

“You cannot despise structures.

You must transform them.

You become what’s working in the midst of what’s NOT working so that it can work.”

          Old Covenant                                                               

~ Knowing what to DO                    

~Obedience to the Book            

~Right and Wrong             

~ What you DO determines who you ARE          

~Information (knowledge)        

~Discipline (for actions)        

~Go to church           

~ Discipleship- take them by the hand and lead them    

      New Covenant

~Being empowered to BE  

~Obedience to the Voice

~ Life and Death

~Who you ARE determines what you DO

~Intimacy (Knowing and being known)

~Discipline (for attitudes)

~You ARE the church when Christ is IN you

~Discipleship- Activate THEM to lead 

So this is a piece of what my week was like. I walked away feeling encouraged to be transformed by the New Covenant instead of attempting to conform myself to the rules of the Old Covenant.

Please Let Me Out of That Box

 

 

 Have you ever seen the movie Toy Story 2? Throughout the storyline there is a toy called Stinky Pete the Prospector. According to what the other characters know, he has never been brought out of the original packaging he was purchased in. Because of this he has become a precious collectors item that can be sold for a large sum. But the Prospector has also become embittered and resentful from all of the years spent in that box. At one point toward the end of the movie, it is suddenly found out that the Prospector has been sneaking out of his box to perform sneaky tasks that will imprison the other characters. And this story brings me to my favorite line of that movie. The moment the Prospector is found out there is a collective gasp from the group and Woody cries out.

 

“GASP! YOU’RE OUTTA YOUR BOX!”

So many times in the last two years I feel like I have looked at God, gasped, and shouted out “you’re outta your box”. And He has chuckled and nodded yes. When He provides the money it takes to go on the World Race, I gasp. When I hear witness of the blind seeing and the dead rising, I gasp. When His Holy Spirit actually wants to meet me and let me experience Him, I gasp. When I come to G42 expecting to learn and I get to soak in all of His goodness without the ability to use words, I gasp. The labels I have placed on God have been demolished as I get closer to Him.

As His labels have fallen off, so have mine! I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have had people call me ‘spiritual’, ‘deep’, ‘caring’, and ‘cute’. These are not bad labels. The people who gave them were giving them because they like me and wanted me to know it. But those words have put a covering on me. They have limited me to being an introverted, nice, sweet, girl who wants peace in all situations.

 

None of those things are bad, in and of themselves. I AM spiritual. I AM nice. I AM sweet. I DO want peace. And I AM deep (I mean, my goodness, have you ever had a conversation with me).

 

But I, Annie Rose Taylor, have something to declare! I have a freakin’ LION inside of me getting ready to roar. The strength and size of my spirit is not to be underestimated. And I’m done with boxing myself and others into what I can comprehend.

Sometimes, no, a lot of times, I laugh at jokes that are inappropriate. If you joke with me and I don’t think it’s funny, I’m learning not to laugh. There is a truth residing inside of me that doesn’t care about how easily offended you are, and I am learning how to speak it (from the deepest place of love). I love to go out on the town and dance the night away. I’m learning how to fight in order to have true peace. I am me.

So would you please stop labelling me? Would please remove that box that you have placed around me and just let me be me? Maybe I’ll surprise you, or maybe not. Either way, It’s much more fun to know someone for who they really are anyway.

This week in classes at G42 I was finally released. We were speaking life to each other at the beginning. And it happened a little something like this…. Jenny Telfer looks across the room at me and speaks the words that I have fought for years to be true in my life.

“Annie Rose, you are more YOU than I have ever seen you be, even in the short time I’ve known you. You are you and it is beautiful and strong!”

That’s it. That’s all that was spoken. But then Herman Haan recognizes that something has just happened that none of our natural eyes could see. He calls me to the front and speaks about a covering that has been on me. He asks Jenny to come up and help him remove that covering. So they did. Watch out world, Annie Rose doesn’t have to submit to labels any longer. She now knows her identity as a daughter of the King and will live from THAT place of joy and rest and peace. There is a wildness that has been released and cannot be contained by other’s (or even my own) thoughts or labels or boxes.

I’m still learning how to live outside of that box, but I’m loving every minute of it!

So if I could ask you to do anything in response to what you have read, it is this. Please, please, please let that box be demolished. It could be a box on your view of God. Let it be broken. It could be a box on your family and how much they will never change. Punch a hole through that one. It could be a box on who you are as a person. Try something new and test those boundaries. 

It won’t be easy. Even in the last 2 days I have struggled even deeper in identity issues. I’ve wanted to submit again to other’s opinions of me. But it’s just because I’m free and I am better able to recognize when that label hits. I WON’T stop being me! I can’t. I am me, and I have been released. And you can be you!

From this day on may those labels fall so that each one of us can FINALLY be who and what we were DESIGNED to be!

Creativity Released

So while you have been waiting with bated breath for this next blog to come out, what you don’t realize is that I’ve started 3 blogs this week and none of them have made it to publication. Was I caring too much what you thought of me and therefore didn’t post? Mmm possibly. Could I not figure out how to just be me and write what I am passionate about? That’s probably more true. But nonetheless, I am here. Back again to write the enthralling words that make you cling to your seats in anticipation (haha).

This week at G42 something incredible happened. Herman Haan came from Holland. This man has directed over 40 documentaries, owns his own vinyard, cooks as a profession, and is one of the most genuine people you will ever meet. He has had his fair share of heartache and disaster and has come out more like Herman, and dare I say it, more like Christ than when he started. He came with questions that were deep and put us all on the spot. He wanted to know who each of us really is and was not afraid to ask the hard questions to get to the place of reality. Every day brought an assignment that pushed us out of our comfort zones.

One of our assignments was to write a short story in a style we have never used, on a subject we were not used to, using words we normally don’t. It was an honor to sit in that room with 9 other incredibly talented people and hear their stories. And today, I want to share the one I read to the class. I hope you enjoy.

THE DOOR

 

Power flows fresh to fingertips grasping. Palms pound yearning desire on planks of decorated, unforgiving wood. The Orphan-heart gazes through glass. Begrudging steel wall of glass. Glass building an unbreakable barrier to that table. The table taken from the Tree of Life now holds life at every moment of every day. Bears tears, joy, crayons, and new wine and experiences life and breath in a way that living, breathing flesh cannot comprehend. And living, breathing flesh dies one more deep death.

But one can dream, can they not? One can hope even when no latch twists to open. So Orphan-child releases desperate plea through fists clenched death-tight.

“Want me. Hear me. See me. Love me.” Cries deep searching for another deep. When tears flow unquenchable, swipe them from face with knuckles hope-filled confident. The fists pound; hammer looking for nail to find home.

Voices begin to whisper-shout confusion sounding like truth to spirit-brain.

“Too much and not enough,” lies make logical sense to brain void of heart.

“Protect them from yourself”, dislodges heart to brink of breaking. Accusing questions dart to wound.

“Are you really worthy of door-open invitations? Won’t you dislodge the laughing-unity with soul-brokenness deep within? Is all this really worth the bleeding hands?” Resignation settles to depths of bones.

Then back-burner memory releases to frontal lobe. Two bleeding hands. Hands scarred with tears of blind eyes seeing clear. Hands bleeding out twelve-year shame to produce peace-healing. Hands ripped to five thousand pieces of bread and fish for feasting to left-over full. Hand holes dirt-filled with disciple road grime. Hands holding least-of-these children in front of shocked religion.

Memory releases strength.

Orphan-child pounds.

Door swings unexplained open.

Open to recieve Orphan to adoption.

Father-mouth smiles acceptance. Mother-arms draw dirt-filled Orphan-child to strong-soft heart. Air gasps into lungs brought back by jolt of electric elation.

“What is ours is yours!” And child is giddy-awkward. Orphan-child… NO! Now Child, settles into belonging. And belonging settles on Child who has found home at Tree of Life feasting table.

No Really… Thank YOU

Thanks always precedes the miracle.

I read this while on a plane to Spain. (where the rain stays mainly on the plain… just saying) It was the beginning of a journey that would teach me my joy and call out hope from the depths of my soul. A journey that would place weapons of spiritual warfare into my little hands and teach me how to wield those weapons with skill and deadly aim. A journey that would bring light to the dark places of my heart and freedom to the places taken captive by hopelessness and despair.

one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp was the book that started it all. As I read this woman’s journey, I began to understand just how important it is to say ‘thank you’. It seems so silly. So childish. I mean, we remind children to say thank you all the time. We hand them a treat and almost  automatically say ‘what do you say?’. If they’ve been taught, they reply with a ‘thank you’ and quickly demolish what they’ve been given. Simple, right?

But so deep. If you read the Bible, start looking for words such as ‘thankfulness’, ‘thanksgiving’, and ‘thanks’. I am pretty sure it will surprise you.

Say thank you for trials.

                                                    Say thank you for the past.

                        Say thank you for what is to come.

Say thank you for His unfailing love.

It’s all over the place. It sounds so easy. And in some ways it is… yet in the moment it can be the hardest thing to turn from anxiety and insecurity to that place of saying thank you. I have started the process. I am far from being thankful in every moment, but I am learning on a daily basis how to say thank you and I am beginning to look for those little moments of life that are so simple and yet speak of His deep, deep love for me.

And when I notice them, something shifts in me. When I say thank you there is suddenly evidence that God really is brilliant and really DOES do good things. My thank you solidifies the goodness of God in my heart and teaches me to live in the moment seeking out His promises for right now. The thank you in my heart renews my faith and confidence that He can and does provide for me in every minute.

I have started writing them down. Which means, being the organized person that I am, I currently have lists of thankfulness in 4 different notebooks. haha! So here are some of my favorites 🙂

~Sneaking in last stolen moments of shut-eye before gorgeous morning runs~

 

~No-bake cookies that give cavities~

~Trees that lift their hands to praise their Creator~

~”Shame off you, babe” voice of God spoken into spirit.~

~Too many tears of joy to count~

~Skinny Europeans eating donuts and breads all day long.~

~Sky-blue sky~

~Slivered gold moon captivating at wee hours of the morning~ 

~Finding my voice even in outward silence~

~Glasses of wine shared as new wine flows in form of laughter and life and words~

 

        

~A life lived adventurous in every moment~

~One bright pin-point star in dusk-almost-dark evening, thick with peace~

~Breakfast for dinner that pulls us out of the box~

~Wind tugging strands of hair to dance in praise and delight on the wings of the One who has counted every strand.~

~English accents on Amercan tongues~

~Me-monster thoughts and words fleeing as joy brings peace.~

~Dashes of blood-red flowers mixed in with the green life of leaves.~

 

Hello?… Is This Thing On?

Do you ever feel like you can’t hear God’s voice?

Do you wonder if you’ve EVER heard His voice?

The last few days have felt hazy. My thoughts have been wrapped up in ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. I’ve been in my head analyzing things I’ve said or interactions that I’ve had. I have found myself scattered. When I am upstairs I think about being downstairs. When I am in class I think about what I will be doing after class.  I wake up in the morning wanting intimacy with the Father and striving and working hard to get to that place of relationship. I try to think of all the right things and remember the words He’s spoken over me.

I try. And I try. And I try.

But it just leads to this gross feeling inside of me. The feeling that I have to prove myself and act a certain way to show that I’m good enough and spiritual enough. My friend Allison calls those emotions ‘feeling crunchy’. It’s just kinda an awkward feeling that doesn’t have a name but doesn’t feel normal. And then somewhere in there, accusations pop up that sound something like this “you know these things, get it together” “just start declaring things over yourself, it’s easy”. These words that have brought life in the past now break my soul by the burden of them. And I feel like I don’t know anything. (ps. remember when I said I was going to be real, well here it is)

So then I have a conversation with some important people in my life and I remember. Wait a second… I AM LOVED! When someone is loved they have a place. They are known and listened to, and what they feel and say matters to the one who loves. When someone is loved it’s not a conditional thing. It is an all-the-time, no-matter-what kind of thing that is a mystery to scientists and philosophers. And God told me a while back that I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. I am a vessel designed to receive His love. So I am loved whether I choose it or not. I am just LOVED.

And all of a sudden my insides start to relax. If I don’t have to prove anything to the one who MADE me, then maybe I don’t have to prove anything to anybody else. When my spirit is finally a little bit calmer, I can then start to hear His voice. I realize that I actually do know some things and that I’ve been complicating it the whole time. So here’s the things I DO know… His words are “shame off you” words. His heart is a Father’s heart that loves deeply and doesn’t leave even when I’m not being myself because I’m trying so hard. He has a design for me and it will feel natural to walk in that design because it’s how I was made to be.

And I can finally hear His words again.

He tells me to go read a book. lol. Not because if I don’t, I’ll miss out. Because He knows that I like to read and He can make anything glorious! Anything. When I think it’s MY job to make things glorious is when I have a seriously twisted view of myself and my place. So I go and read. And I enjoy my book. Somewhere in there, I am finally at rest enough to ask Him to start surprising me with His presence and trust that He wants to.

I forgot for a moment that this whole thing is a love affair. I tried to started trying and it ruined the whole thing. That doesn’t mean I stop claiming His words over my life. It just means I don’t have to work so hard. He told me His yoke is easy and His burden is light. So tomorrow if I wake up heavy, I just look at Him and say “what do you think about me?” and I listen for His response and I walk accordingly.

Making a Plan and Saying ‘Amen’…

If any of you have read anything about the G42 Leadership Academy, you know that it is a place where individuals come to grow in areas of leadership, vision, and ultimately character. As I have been here, my desire to be a woman of integrity has increased and my passion for the orphaned heart to find a home has reached a new level.

Through G42 I have realized how much the Good News really is GOOD news. My desire to see the glory of the Lord fill the whole earth has become even greater and I am determined to be the generation to see His church reach a new level of glory.

How?

As I have looked at my generation I have seen a few trends. I have seen that we are a generation who does not like to be fooled. We want reality in our friendships and relationships. And we certainly do not think that religion will offer us much. And I agree with my generation. Religion does not offer much to its recipients.

The language of Religion is do’s and dont’s.  Religion is filled with ‘you should do this’ and ‘you shouldn’t do that’. It speaks shame and guilt into the heart whose only desire is to be loved and accepted. Religion destroys relationships as comparison builds its walls of death. It binds hearts to rules instead of freeing us to live

So if the problem is Religion, what is the solution? The only solution to all of that is real, genuine, authentic relationship that tears down the walls and leads to restoration. God’s desire is to have that relationship with those whom He has created in His image.  His heart is to see those broken hearts healed and restored to full working order so that each of His beloved children can be who they were designed to be. Relationship breaks the chains and leads to freedom to just BE.

If you, dear reader, will think about a moment in your life when you have felt most free, I believe you will come up with a moment where you felt no judgement. It might include a moment where you laughed deep belly laughs with another person who you knew would believe the best about you. It might be a moment where you acted like a fool, unafraid of what others would think. When fear is gone, freedom to love and live in relationship comes.

This has more and more become my desire- to see others walk and live in freedom to be who they were created to be. And as I learn how to walk in this intimacy of relationship, I see how beautiful this life really is and can be. And I’ve got to share it!

After G42 I am planning to come back to the US for a while. While in Spain, I also realized how much I love relationship (this is no surprise to those who know me) and how I enjoy creating beauty with my hands. My desire is to take the incredible foundations that G42 has given me and start a healthy community wherever I go. I am planning to begin training in cosmetology (possibly in Phoenix, AZ) and take the principles I am learning in G42 to bless each person I come in contact with while there.

I also dream of living in a house that is a safe place to build deeper relationship with God and other people. I envision people living every day normal life in an abnormal way. I am trusting that the safety of this place will lead to spontaneous moments of laughter and joy that go deeper than our circumstances and that love will lead to truth and that will lead to changed lives.

G42 has laid a strong foundation for any path that I choose for the future and I have been immensely blessed by my experience here. I have two and a half more months until I am done and I would sincerely like to stay to finish my training. However, in order to stay I must be fully supported. Would you consider joining me in this dream and helping reach this goal of the glory of the Lord filling the earth?

I have exactly $3,772 to raise before I am fully funded. Please think about giving for the next generation to find freedom and purpose in a deeper, more intimate way. If you are interested in giving, simply go to http://www.g42leadershipacademy.org/donate and click on Intern Support. Specify that the donation goes to Annie Rose Taylor.

If you have any questions, feel free to email me at arose.taylor@gmail.com

A Beautiful Freakin’ Mess

I started this blog because I want to be authentic. I don’t want to make things pretty so that people like me more. I want to be raw and real so that when I know and speak the truth, you can know it’s coming from a real place! Even now I sit on my bed in Spain and desperately cry out to God to give me the words to communicate what I’m feeling.

So here it is… the real Annie Rose Taylor. No walls, no pretty little wrapping to make it more acceptable, no big fancy words. Just me…

Recently I asked God to shake everything that could be shaken in me. As a daughter of God, I am a part of a kingdom that cannot be shaken. So if there was an attitude or a thought or an action that could be dislodged in my heart, I wanted that.

And, oh boy, has He ever shaken me… I feel like quite the mess right now. And I keep thinking that this walk with Jesus will get less messy

It hasn’t.

I have been fighting my whole life to figure out who I am. What do I care about? What don’t I care about? What do I want to do? What does God want me to do? And recently, piece by piece those questions are being answered. Piece by piece God is re-weaving my heart to look and feel like His.

And He’s doing it through the promise of full healing. I have had to face struggles of depression, low self-image, anxiety, and hurt in my life. But I have now heard God say that these old things will pass away. And that new life will come!

It is on it’s way…

It must be mentioned that I also asked Him to break any chains that hinder love in me. So any bad attitude or wrong thinking, I want broken off of me. I want to be of a people that love authentically from the heart and fully know the love they have from their God. I keep thinking His love can’t get any better.

It can

The way that God loves us is with a heart completely exposed. He cries out to a people all day long that they would turn to Him and when they don’t, His heart is affected. As I start to look and sound like my Daddy, I realize that is the love I have to have. I am now being transformed to bear a heart completely open and exposed to pain at any moment. If God holds me together and is my defender, than I don’t have to worry about the pain because bearing this depth of love is so worth the pain. It is beautiful and it hurts and it changes me!

So I’ve been crying these tears recently. Sometimes they come from joy and sometimes they are sadness. But every time I cry there’s something that happens in my heart that almost can’t be explained. Every tear gives me a new understanding of the heart of God.

Even though I am a complete mess, I am finding hope that God is giving me more of Him and I am completely humbled to be a bearer of His heart in every part of my life, even if it comes with more tears!

My God is the God Who Provides

Extravagant

My God is extravagant. He is extravagant in His love. He does not hold back His heart from us… ever. He pours Himself out for  us. He poured out His life-blood so that we might live (Luke 22:20). He pours out His grace to us that we might know we belong to Him (Ephesians 1:6). He pours out His Holy Spirit that we might live our new life abundantly, no longer worrying about insecurities (Titus 3:6-7).

Yep! That’s my God.

I think I used to know that in my head, but I really thought that God was just stingy and did not want to give me any more than the bare minimum. When He asked me to travel to 11 countries in 11 months I thought He was just playing a joke on me. I thought He would let me get all excited about going and then at the last second He would pull the rug out from under me and I would be lost. That was my perspective of a God who even TELLS me… Hey! I know how to give good gifts! (Matthew 7:11)

Because of my mentality, whenever I got a good gift, like traveling to 11 countries in 11 months, I would hoard it. If I was given peace, (which I have been) I would try to keep it all inside of me so that I wouldn’t lose it. If there was joy in me that I knew was from God, I would try to figure out all the ways to keep it… and therefore I would lose it. 

So I tried my darndest to grasp for it again. I would read the same passage or poem I had read the day before or I would listen to the same song that gave me chills last week. I didn’t want to lose what God gave me. I didn’t know (deep in my being) that I am a daughter of the King of the Universe. So I thought I wouldn’t be provided for. It came out in my spending habits too. I wouldn’t keep track of how much I spent and would make purchases that were almost out of a fear that I didn’t have enough.

And then God started to talk. And as some of you know, when God speaks, life happens. (Hello all of creation!) He started in January by asking me if I would be willing to live like a person who is not in want. He asked me if I really believe what He says to me. And I started to change

I started to believe Him. It was slow at first. I would still fearfully grasp my gifts to myself at moments. Or I would foolishly spend my money, afraid that if I didn’t get a good deal now, I never would. But I started to peacefully see how He would let me go weeks hardly spending anything and how I was still happy. He would allow me to be filled even after I had poured out. 

I had started to believe that He cares for me. 

Extravagantly!

So I come to Spain, with a little cash in the bank and a big trust in my God to give me all that I need. And I’m laying on this rug in my room, the other day and it hits me. I have had 5 euro in my wallet for the last two weeks. I haven’t had to spend it and I’ve been completely content the whole time. HAHA! And I start to tear up because for the first time I recognize that I know the truth. I know that I know that I KNOW that my God takes care of me. In every way, He cares for me. So I will follow Him wherever He sends me!

As I am in Spain, I still have about $3800 left until I am completely supported. I know that God provides, and I know He uses His people in that process. So would you consider giving to this incredible training that I am receiving? Training for the rest of my life as I follow my God who gives extravagantly without holding back.

If you would like to give to my training at G42 simply insert the link and follow the directions. Be sure to specify it goes to Annie Rose Taylor. (If you don’t find the place to specify, they will respond to emails quite sufficiently.) 

http://www.g42leadershipacademy.org/donate

Be blessed and know that our God is good! 

SO GOOD!