Courage, at its Finest

I spend all day worrying and anxious about my car and my taxes and my money and whether or not I’m co-dependent. And if I am that then how do I change that?  And when can I run? And how can I start my life when everything is so dang expensive? And when will I find the time to fit in another shift or get the plates for my car or fill out my taxes? And do I even have everything I need to do my taxes? And when will I be good at money? And how the frick does one even stick to a budget much less create one? And how in the heck can I possibly find time or energy to fit another human into my heart and life and schedule?? And when will I get married and to who and why doesn’t anyone but the unhealthy or unreachable seem attractive to me? And will I ever actually grow up?

And then I come home. And I go for a walk with my roommate and the two dogs that are in our house. We talk and we dance while we cook dinner and drink wine. We watch a weird “comedy” about divorced people who still act like their married. We talk about what we think. And I’m filled. I don’t have to try to worship because Jesus has already met us in the wine and the bread and even the weird movie we watched. He has loved and delighted and danced with us. Because I really think if he were to be called anything it would be God, with us!!

I remember this week. How every day was a new day of anxiety and wondering and pressure and fear. And then somehow… They kept ending with these sweet, spicy moments of Thai food and laughter and tears and prayers and wine.

And the questions change. I wonder how I get to be friends with such gorgeous, true, messy life-filled people? Where and how can I honor these women who give their lives and think it’s not extraordinary? How have they missed Him in them? – because He’s all I can see. I chuckle as I watch desperation turn to freedom all through simple tears and prayers. I marvel at the conversations where mischievous Jesus twinkles at us and laughs because we had no idea that this would lead to that!

And my growing pains are turning to life eternal! And all my God-sized cavern is being filled by people-sized hearts! Because somehow I was designed for him and for you. I was made to come home to community where life is shared over food. And snot lands on shirts and jeans and anywhere it wants because the weeping free means joy captured.

And in the big scheme of things I may actually be walking into my inheritance if I could only be here and be now. If I could capture these sweet moments of life abundant and then open my hand for more, I wouldn’t strangle the life from life and it could actually thrive.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll actually share these raw, stream-of-conscious thoughts. Because vulnerability takes the greatest courage and if there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to be, it’s courageous!!