Eff it!!!

It happened around move 10 since coming to Los Angeles. The beginning of my giving up. The 7 of us were about to move into a 2 bedroom place with a cat and then add two more people in a few days. I was done!! I was done keeping it together and acting civilized. I was done attempting to see what God was up to.

But most importantly I was finally starting to be done with doing all of this by myself.

Something has happened in my life where I have lived it like nobody else can carry my burdens but I can carry everyone’s. It’s a selfish, controlling, manipulative way to live and it’s disguised as holiness and goodness. But it robs people of knowing me. It keeps me from putting everything on the line. And it has kept me trapped.

I have been stuck. I have been for a while now. And it started to become apparent that the only way to get un-stuck was to open my mouth. To start talking about every piece of un-wanted fear, every terrifying feeling of self loathing, every pathetic moment of feeling left out.

“When you don’t want to talk about something, come find me because then is when you need to talk about it- for now“… Della looked at me across the table as tears ran down my face into my boba tea. She answered me straight as I fearfully asked “how the hell do I do this? How do I find freedom and clarity?” and told me- “it’s going to be ok. And you are worth knowing. And you need to TALK to us”

So I have been talking.

At first it didn’t do anything, just highlighted my deepest fears and felt like rubbing salt in a wound. When maybe that’s what has been happening… God has been scrubbing out my heart to the point where I feel like I am bleeding. But at least it’s clean blood and not all backed up with the puss of comparison and saving face. Those suckers have been stuck in my life-stream for a while, so of course it’s time to clean them out.

Good Lord, does it hurt!

Add to that the silence of God’s voice. He is near but He is quiet right now. When all my emotions are screaming, He seems to calmly hear and not worry one bit about me. A little worry would be nice every once in a while. God, shouldn’t you panic that I’m wondering if you are good? Shouldn’t you defend yourself against my silent accusations that you don’t plan well?

I have said yes. Yes to coming to Los Angeles. Yes to sharing my heart. Yes to living in the unknown. And I thought that my yes would defend me against fear and doubt. I though that my “gift would make room for me” and I would find greater depths of understanding. And maybe I have- maybe the One who suffered beyond what can be comprehended is wanting to share His heart with me so I will know Him better. Maybe just a piece of my suffering isn’t self-inflicted selfishness. Maybe He is letting me see the battleground for what it is… bloody and terrifying and full of victory.

“Your life is a defense of God’s goodness”. Those words of encouragement from months ago burn in my spirit as I question the One whose goodness my life declares. Scared shitless to have faith, but even more afraid to doubt. Because then… Then it really is hopeless. If I can’t find the hope, is Holy Spirit good enough to give it to me free of charge (it only costs everything)?

And somewhere in all this swirl, God is moving. He is the drum holding the cacophony of the screaming horns and sexy saxophone together. I’m not sure which way this song is going- it could dissolve into chaos, or it could resolve into the most terrifyingly beautiful piece of music ever. It could leave us all gasping in pain, or our jaws dropped in awe.

But the conclusion for now is God looking me straight in the eye and saying

“I never said if you would come back, I just said to go“

So I will stay in that go. I will be here in the city of angels and I will live simply in a city of extravagance. I will share my true self in a culture of masks. And I will keep giving up so I can be caught up in the strong arms of a Dad who I suspect really likes me.

Gonna Get My Mountain

Can I just say this up front? I am moving to Los Angeles, California!!!

Hah! That city of angels that is crying out to be loved!

There are so many thoughts and promises that go into this move. So I think I will just share some of them. The first being, that sometimes when God tells you something, he just wants you to know what is coming up! he is more worried about who you are and who you are becoming than where you are going. So in my life, he often allows me to forget the promises of where I am going so that I can become all that he already sees.

When I moved to Denver, I heard his sweet whisper say “harvest”. And because that man that I love is all about humans, I simply thought, I get to harvest lots of people for/with him. I get to bring a bunch of people into sweet relationship with this one that I love. When he started to whisper about L.A., he also started to remind me of all he had spoken about Denver. Because he is the best finisher of all time, I knew that Denver had to be finished in his eyes before L.A. could start.

Little did I know that the sweet harvest of rich fruit was actually just my heart. All that had been planted in that fertile ground needed some time and space to grow. And through some deep darkness and some exhilarating laughter (sometimes both, at the same time), Jesus so faithfully called forth a ton of the fruit from the springtime of Spain and G42.

And then he whispered L.A. (because when that city changes, the world changes) and I had to ask some questions. I had no idea what the timeline would look like, or how he would actually accomplish all he had promised for that city. So I have been asking since September of last year- wondering how and when and why with every step I have taken.

In January I bluntly asked… How to move when there is no home to end up in? How to move on just a promise? Does the promise also hold the money it takes to make it to the city of promise? Does the promise hold the cash it will take to go to silly cosmetology school and connect with all the right people? Is the promise to be talked about and shared or am I the swine wasting the pearls tossed before me? How to move when heart connections grow stronger and I could make a life here and raise strong children here and find my man here? Does the promise include all those heart desires? Or is the deep promise simply intimacy with the One my being was created for?

Thankfully, I have some superb people in my life who challenged me to move even when I didn’t know the answers. I had heard that God-man call my name, so I stepped forward. My first step onto the stormy waters looked like cleaning out my closet and giving away some of my clothes, some that I have had for years. The steps after looked like Jesus releasing me to sell all of my big things so I could just take my car and whatever I could carry with me. I wept as I sold the bookcase my parents had given me for high school graduation. I felt sick as I packed up my car for the long drive away from the gorgeous city of Denver. I bawled as I looked each of the sweet girls in our Monday night group in the eye and had the gift of giving and receiving honor. I questioned him as I quit both of my jobs and changed the oil on my 23 year old Honda Accord.

And then I moved. Not because all of my questions have been answered. Not because all the details had fallen into place. But mostly because Jesus looked at me and said ‘it is time’. As I have walked with him, I have noticed he is really good at timing.

So on March 2nd, I wrote this in my journal- wow wow wow! Walking in and activating the promises you gave me years ago. Ready to walk into that city of inheritance with all its good fruit and giants. Ready to sacrifice and give my life away until it feels as though I have none left. Ready to say yes beyond that lack into the cultivation and hard work it will take. Ready to sacrifice the beloved dream (cosmetology school) in obedience love to come more alive to the truth that all I actually want is perfect relationship with you!

I almost want to invite you, dear reader, into this crazy journey. And I am even tempted to invite you to L.A. I KNOW the cost. I KNOW what it takes to say yes to the crazy mystery. But I am fairly certain the mystery is worth the cost- the abundance is worth the loss.  Haha, I have to be certain, or I wouldn’t be changing my whole life.

I want you to know the exhilaration of complete abandon to his goodness. I want you to feel the gusts of the wind of his spirit as you fling your entire life into the hands of the One who made everything. It’s a rush! Filled with terrible pain and fulfillment beyond what you thought you could hold.

Will you say yes with me??

Because I Am Really Just a Child…

This was written in my journal in the midst of a really dark and dry season of life. And now I laugh at the deep truth deposited in my soul by the One who loves me more than any other.

With my chubby little child hands, I reach for Your face.

I trace Your face with trust and questions.

My fingers ask about Your mystery and trust Your goodness.

My eyes seek Yours so that the deep questions will be answered with Your love.

I want to know Your thoughts about me, spoken in a tongue only my spirit knows.

And then when I am settled secure in Your truth about me. I want to know about the world.

I want to know the GOOD You have planned.

I will bring my child’s face up so close that my eyes cross and Your features get blurry. And then, because I am so close and I only want to get closer, I’ll turn my head. And when my cheek is right next to Yours and my eyes are lined up with Yours, I’ll be able to see things how You see them.

And things will line up in my vision the way they line up in Yours.

Jesus

I had a realization this morning. It’s about Jesus. He’s one of my favorites for lots of reasons. More recently I’ve been running into him everywhere! But I’ve sorta been missing it until this morning. I woke up thinking about how those of us who follow the Bible know that when we start to thank Jesus and give him praise, something shifts. The shift is in us, and it’s all around us in our atmosphere and countenance. But getting to that place is so weird sometimes. It can look super religious.

Dear Jesus Christ, maker of all, sustainer of life, originator of the gospel, I praise you in most holy reverence. (Haha can you tell I grew up in church?)

Those are beautiful prayers. But sometimes I think Jesus likes the simple ones just as much if not more.

Hey Jesus, you’re really good at building things. I’ve been noticing it as I watch my friend Erica smile and come to life as you rebuild her heart. Thanks for that.

When I was thinking about praising Jesus this morning I thought of my friend Spencer. He looks so much like Jesus to me. Sometimes I text Spencer just because I want some words of life and kindness and I know (just from knowing him for years) that he will always be in a good mood. Spencer will always, no matter what’s happening in his own life, be excited for what’s happening in mine. And Spencer always confirms who I am through how he talks to me.

When I talk to Jesus, he tends to be in this mischievous mood where he wants to turn my words of life back on myself. When I tell Jesus he’s a good friend he looks at me and says wow, you too! When I ask to see His glory, sometimes he looks at me and says you ARE my glory. I always receive when I give to Jesus. Just like I always get life when I interact with my friend Spencer.

But that’s not all.

My friend Kacey looks like Jesus to me when she tenderly looks at me crying and confirms my relationship with the Father. And I wonder how he invited 12 guys into that incredible relationship with his dad- much less the rest of the world.

My friend Chris looks like Jesus when he laughs in pride and delight over his daughter’s gurgling, even as she offers him nothing. And I wonder what he looked like when he held those children in his lap.

My friend Erica looked like Jesus when she makes me dance in the rain with her and then splashes into a puddle just because she can. And I wonder what was broken off and released when he played.

My roommate Chelsey looks like Jesus often as she takes time to be with others and care about the details of their lives. And I wonder how he was able to stop so often and heal the sick when he was exhausted himself.

My friend Sierra looks like Jesus when she enters into my story and gives me dating advice and delights with my excitement. And I wonder about the secret stories shared with those twelve that we don’t get to be witness of.

My friend James, who looks a lot like Jesus to me in his wildness, would probably use some fancy words to tell me that I am taking all the best attributes of my human friends and making them attributes of the living God. Essentially I am making God in man’s image.

I’m not sure that I have a response to that, except to say Jesus is man. So thankfully there’s this wild, mischievous, caring, multifaceted part of God that looks a lot like man. And I get to talk face to face with God now because of that man. And every time I interact with him, he’s a little more than I thought he was the last time.

And the fun part of all this running into Jesus, is that I’m realizing something. I’m realizing that sometimes I get to look like him too. Sometimes my hands reaching out in kindness to rub a back or my lips ready to laugh in delight look a whole lot like his hands and his lips. And often I look like him when I am being most like me. When I am unapologetically living like me, I look like him. So maybe what’s in me is really actually clean and good and I look like him because I’m part of the family, not because I try so hard!

Courage, at its Finest

I spend all day worrying and anxious about my car and my taxes and my money and whether or not I’m co-dependent. And if I am that then how do I change that?  And when can I run? And how can I start my life when everything is so dang expensive? And when will I find the time to fit in another shift or get the plates for my car or fill out my taxes? And do I even have everything I need to do my taxes? And when will I be good at money? And how the frick does one even stick to a budget much less create one? And how in the heck can I possibly find time or energy to fit another human into my heart and life and schedule?? And when will I get married and to who and why doesn’t anyone but the unhealthy or unreachable seem attractive to me? And will I ever actually grow up?

And then I come home. And I go for a walk with my roommate and the two dogs that are in our house. We talk and we dance while we cook dinner and drink wine. We watch a weird “comedy” about divorced people who still act like their married. We talk about what we think. And I’m filled. I don’t have to try to worship because Jesus has already met us in the wine and the bread and even the weird movie we watched. He has loved and delighted and danced with us. Because I really think if he were to be called anything it would be God, with us!!

I remember this week. How every day was a new day of anxiety and wondering and pressure and fear. And then somehow… They kept ending with these sweet, spicy moments of Thai food and laughter and tears and prayers and wine.

And the questions change. I wonder how I get to be friends with such gorgeous, true, messy life-filled people? Where and how can I honor these women who give their lives and think it’s not extraordinary? How have they missed Him in them? – because He’s all I can see. I chuckle as I watch desperation turn to freedom all through simple tears and prayers. I marvel at the conversations where mischievous Jesus twinkles at us and laughs because we had no idea that this would lead to that!

And my growing pains are turning to life eternal! And all my God-sized cavern is being filled by people-sized hearts! Because somehow I was designed for him and for you. I was made to come home to community where life is shared over food. And snot lands on shirts and jeans and anywhere it wants because the weeping free means joy captured.

And in the big scheme of things I may actually be walking into my inheritance if I could only be here and be now. If I could capture these sweet moments of life abundant and then open my hand for more, I wouldn’t strangle the life from life and it could actually thrive.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll actually share these raw, stream-of-conscious thoughts. Because vulnerability takes the greatest courage and if there’s one thing I’ve always wanted to be, it’s courageous!!

She is Waking Up!

She’s not dead. She’s just sleeping…

I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but I have this tattoo on my wrist. People always ask what it says because it’s kind of swirly writing. And every time someone has to ask, I am thankful that I got that font. Because it means I have to declare all over again what is true about me and my life.

It says Talitha Koum. Now without knowing the story, this tattoo seems cool but not too significant. There’s this man Jesus. If I haven’t talked about him with you yet, then I’m sorry. He’s actually one of my favorite people of all time! He’s this weird, wild, kind man who disrupts people like all the time. When you talk to him, you kinda can’t walk away without being changed. He’s pretty offensive in the things he says, but somehow you still feel loved by him even as you’re mad at him. This man Jesus… He doesn’t just change individual lives. He actually changed the whole system of the way our world works. I think that’s another conversation for another time. But needless to say, I kinda love this man!

My favorite thing about him is that he says these really simple, short statements that mean so much. He really knows how to use his words. Oh, and he can raise people from the dead.

So this one time, a father comes running up and frantically tells him “hey, my daughter. She’s really sick and almost dead. I know this is probably ridiculous, but can you do something about that??” and Jesus, in his funny disrupting way, basically just says “yup! I can”. One thing leads to another and some other people needed to be healed on the way to the house, so Jesus gets there too late. The little girl, for all appearances, is already dead.

She’s dead. And as we all know there’s two guarantees in life… death and taxes. So that’s it. The people are weeping and the body is lying there getting cold and stiff… and if I remember correctly Jesus chuckles a little bit. Or maybe the people laugh at what he said next. He looks at that little girl, and I think he sees something that no one else could see. Because he tells them “What is all this crying about?? She’s just asleep!”

When I imagine this story, I think something starts to glow in his eyes and he sorta says under his breath

“But she’s waking up…”

At the risk of making this a little too spiritual, I’d like to introduce an idea to you. I think Jesus sees that little girl… but I also think he sees a ‘woman’ that he has been dreaming about since he has ever existed. This little girl is a metaphor for this woman. This woman he dreams of is someone who knows her identity and knows she is loved. She is confident and beautiful and when he sees that she’s waking up, he gets pumped! Because he knows that what she’s about to do on the earth when she is fully awake, will change everything. This woman didn’t have a name for a while… but eventually people just started calling her “the church”

So when people were weeping over this little girl, and thinking all hope is lost, Jesus is laughing. He’s seeing this little girl who needs to just be woken up. And he knows he has the perfect words to wake her up. So he simply opens his mouth and says…

“Talitha Koum” (Get up little girl, and live)

And she does. She wakes up. And I actually don’t know the rest of her story… but my guess is that she really starts to LIVE. Like every breath she takes is sweet oxygen to her lungs and every meal she eats is delicious to her taste buds. And I’m guessing she talks about her story a LOT! To anybody that will listen. After all, she just came back from somewhere that nobody is supposed to be able to come back from…

I apologize for this being so long, but I have one more thought to add to this story. This last year of my life has been a weird, dry, sorta hard year. I haven’t felt completely hopeless, but I haven’t felt completely alive either. I have been living in Denver, and it has been sort of normal after two years of unbelievable adventure. But this last month, somewhere in my heart I have started to hear again that whisper from that man that I love. “Wake up, little one. Start to LIVE”

All the things that Jesus has promised me recently, I want to own them and live them. When he tells me that I am free, I want to dance and laugh and talk like I am free. When he tells me I am a leader, I want to be purposeful to lead others in a direction that is after his heart. When he asks me to leave behind envy and hurtful talk and drink deep of his pure kindness so that I will become mature, I want to know that pure kindness so well that I give it at every turn.

Again, at the risk of sounds incredibly full of myself. I think I am actually a picture of this ‘woman’ called church. I think I am hearing the whisper of freedom, and leadership, and relationship that Jesus is speaking to the whole church. And I think that as I wake up, she wakes up. As I dance, she learns to dance. As I own what has been given me, she claims her place as well. She and I, we are inseparable. I am she, and she is me.

And we’re all waking up!!

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve…

Have to seen Perks of Being a Wallflower? I’ve been thinking about this quote from that incredible movie…

“We accept the love we think we deserve”.

Can I take it further and say “We expect the love we think we deserve”?

Mine has been a journey of love. As a little girl desperately wanting to be noticed and loved unconditionally. As a teenager working hard to get that unreachable love. As a young adult learning how to love and be loved. The fear of heartbreak increasing and decreasing according to the time in life and the people surrounding me. The last three years of my life being filled to the brim with the extravagant, over-the-top, just-plain-crazy love of a God who I didn’t think really knew I was around.

And then these last 9 months. Not the most terrible months, mind you. Just dry, dry, dry. No rushing rivers of life to dance and frolic in. No extravagant new fruit of His presence to feast on. The lack of feasting leading to the lack of hunger. And then finally fear.

Fear that I will be a disappointment to the greatest people I have known in my life. Fear that if I actually gave my life away (was kind in all the times I could be kind. Gave money when I didn’t have it. Gave energy and joy when I thought I was depleted), that I would end up dead. Fear that what I do or don’t do doesn’t matter- to Him, to those around me, to the world. Fear that if you really saw me, you would despise me

What have I been accepting in the last months of my life? Or even further, what have I been expecting. Have I been expectant of a love that changes the DNA of my heart and breaks down impossible walls? Have I even asked for it?

The booming voice of Andrew Shearman cuts through my thoughts and declares “You were born to be LOVED”.

A song from Melissa and Jonathan David Helser serenades my heart “Love be in my bones, Love shake down my walls”…

I have forgotten to remember Love. In all its beauty and complexity. In the mysterious way it changes every environment. In the crazy, foolish way it gives and does not expect to receive. I know that what I meditate on becomes reality…

And I realize… it’s time to change my expectations!

Even Dying is Hard

I spent the day with my friend Pat today. I spent all day sitting with her. And while I sat, a whole bunch of thoughts and questions were running through my mind.

Pat is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. She is funny and sarcastic and loves with the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. When you love Pat you become protective of her and want life and the world to treat her right. Pat is picky and bossy and knows how to live life to the fullest. She has the most awesome car and can re-design the inside of your house like a boss. I have laughed with Pat and had to walk out of the room to cry because well…

My friend Pat is dying.

She had been for a while now. And she’s very nearly dead.

Her battle with cancer is almost over and it is ending with my losing a friend and the world losing a beautiful woman.

I watched her sleep today and thought all my thoughts. It occurred to me that  if I want my readers to think I’m really deep I would think something really spiritual… Like wow, it’s even hard to die. I watch her body decaying from cancer and I realize that “life is hard and then you die” doesn’t really work. Because dying is no easy thing to do. It’s painful and takes a long time. Different parts begin to shut down and in the end, you just leave.

That’s what it looks like when my flesh dies too. It is a messy, painful, sad process of my selfishness and fear dying. Making way for incredible new life… but it is death nonetheless.

Ok whew super-chrish stuff out of the way.

All I’ve been thinking for most of the day is ‘Jesus, if you love her more than I do (in my silly way) how can you see this? How can you stand to be in the room while she can barely function or recognize even her closest friends? How can you love every single human as much as I have loved this one, and painfully watch so many suffer?’

And I don’t, of course, know the answer to these questions. But in a weird way, I feel privileged. I feel like I have been given the gift of looking Jesus in the eye and sort of understanding what is in those beautiful globes of life. It’s like He has taken His alive, beating heart out of His chest and handed it over to me and said “please feel what I feel, and please see what I see”. So I’m feeling and I am seeing and it hurts like hell.

But really, I would rather have the pain. Because then I know that all this life and death stuff really means something.

Perspective

Death. He’s invading the earth with… well, death. He seeps  into the cracks that haven’t been filled with the protection of life. And he starts to decay the foundation from the inside out. From the moment we wake up he’s whispering. Mumbling about disappointment and dissatisfaction. “you have no substance… You are illegitimate… You cannot walk away from who you were, it’s who you ARE!”

His drums beat on your heart, cracking the foundations you thought were so set. And the opening of gaping holes leaves you sadly lacking. Empty dark tomb waiting for fulfillment.

But there’s something death cannot comprehend. Those holes that he tears wide open at the core of you. Those dark damp places of uncertainty and insecurity. Those places are breeding grounds for life.

All that’s needed is a seed….. One seed.

All that’s needed is a word…… One word.

Those caverns he has opened now lay exposed- vulnerable to the thumb to press in the seed. The seed invades with its sharp outer shell and the dark hole is filled with pain. That dark hole is filled with a shout. Whether one of defeat or victory we know not… Yet.

Deep in that hardly-filled place a wriggling starts to tickle. A bubbling that twitches into an uncertain smile.

And from that terrible, gaping gash a sprout starts to spring up. And that empty place slowly starts to be filled with life.

 A little green shoot of life showing it’s face to the world.  While roots go deep. Roots go deeper than the first emptiness. To fill a place just happy to be dirt before.

And the place designed by death brings rich life. And the weeping turns to laughing.  And the fasting empty turns to feasting full.

So now I ask…

WHERE, OH DEATH, IS YOUR VICTORY??

Because all I can see is life 🙂

I Will…

When love letters change to insecure begging and grocery list prayers, I will remember

When remembering becomes religious activity instead of delight to my senses, I will choose.

When choosing becomes heavy instead of the depth of truth, I will walk.

When walking becomes weary in each step instead of oxygenating, I will return

When returning is terrifyingly filled with fear that I won’t be accepted, I will be loved.

When being loved becomes boring to my dull sensors instead of reviving, I will listen.

When listening becomes apathy, I will speak

When speaking becomes arrogant, I will confess.

When confessing becomes pathetic instead of genuine need and humility, I will claim.

When claiming becomes superstitious instead of  powerful, I will rest.

When resting becomes sleepy laziness, I will awaken!

When awakening reveals it all, then I suppose I will live revealed, exposed, vulnerable, and more like Him than I could ever have imagined.

His Voice is Shaking my Wilderness

The voice of the Lord is powerful

The voice of the Lord is full of majesty

The voice of the Lord shakes the wilderness.

Ps. 29

The mass of people stood somewhat puzzled, blinking in the sunlight. Anticipation and fear of what was to come rippled through the crowd. And a journey that was only supposed to take a month was finally coming to completion… 40 years later. They were once again faced with a choice. The massive stone walls loomed in front of them, promising a land flowing with all they needed. Promising hard work. Promising purpose.

After years of sitting around twiddling their thumbs; wandering from place to place with a promise but no purpose. Now was the time to change all of that.

Without knowing what he was doing, their leader fearlessly stepped forward.

Walking to stomp out the lies that had grown like weeds in a place that got no rain. Preparing to shout to break the silence caused by apathy.

Step. ‘What is the purpose of this?’ Step. ‘How is this helping anything?’ Step. ‘Shouldn’t this be more epic?’ Step.

But somehow the walking was shaking off the dust of doubt from their hearts. And faith was rising!

I started the dream of moving to Denver without a specific word from the Lord. He basically just said ‘yes’.

“God, can I go to Arizona?” Yes.

“God, can I go to Denver?” Yes.

“God can I go anywhere that I want to?” Yes

I would be blessed where I went because I would bringing His will as I went. So I chose. Without any specific reason besides the fact that it’s really pretty in Colorado.

I opened the email to apply for the house that Margie and I will be living in. The name of the real estate agency…

Jericho Properties.

Is it a coincidence that the name of the first city claimed for Isreal’s inheritance is the same as the name of the company managing the first place we will live in this new city? Possibly. But I’m gonna take it as a promise. A whisper that says “well done” and “It’s gonna be great, and It’s gonna be wild, welcome to the beginning of your inheritance”

Is My Face Shiny?

“When Moses came down Mount Sinai carrying the two stone tablets inscribed with the terms of the covenant, he wasn’t aware that his face had become radiant because he had spoken to the LORD.” (Ex. 34.29)

I love that picture. I have often wondered what Moses’ face actually looked like when he came off that mountain. And I have often wondered if my face looks the same when I soak in His presence. Glowing glory to the point of having to wear a covering so that the people around don’t get freaked out. But the last time I read this passage I had to ask…

How long did it last? Was Moses’ face shiny for the rest of his life? Or did the glory wear off with the stress and heartbreak of leading those stubborn people? Did the every-day grind of living in the desert and eating the mystery mana cause the shine to grow dull like old silver? Did the bickering of the women and children combined with the cowardess of the men cause Moses’ face to fall and heaviness to once more replace the brilliance?

At what point did the glow wear off and did Moses miss it?

I came home from G42 glowing. Confident in my identity, unafraid of the masses. Filled to overflowing and I knew it. I was excitedly ready to take on the world.

I’ve been home 3 months and I’m wondering… Is my face still shining? When I interact with those around me, am I still giving them the realities of God’s kingdom in my conversation and laughter and tears? Am I dripping His glory on others because I am so full?

I had a conversation with my sister last night about becoming a desert flower. Something beautiful that grows and thrives where it is dry and dusty and beauty is only seen with the right perspective. I have, in a very real sense, come from a tropical jungle to the desert. I have come from a place of being known in the Spirit and deeply loved, to a place of somewhat lonliness and definitely being misunderstood. So how will I react? Will I wear a veil so I’m understood better? Or will I adjust? Will I be willing to thrive and grow in beauty when I’m not getting as much water? Will I become a well that carries the reserves of Life so that others can drink from me?

Will I shine on unashamed?

If I Were to Write…

I used to write because there was so much in me that needed to be expressed. And now my spirit is at rest. Peaceful in its depths. And I don’t write anymore.

But if I WERE to write, it would be about how God and I, our relationship has changed. I would talk about how I don’t even feel like I know how to pray and do battle anymore. (because I AM prayer and my spirit battles and sometimes I just don’t get it). I would talk about uncertainties in my faith that I’m not afraid of and then the assurances that come as I run and listen to praise music in the mornings.

I would share how I still want my heart to break when His does. I would look you in the face with a pen in my hand and with fierceness and conviction talk about how much I will give my life for Him. How I haven’t asked where His sights are set, but how I really, really just want the fullness that is in my spirit to come to the earth.

You would hear and see the warrior spirit in me that roars for restoration and reconciliation, even though I don’t know how to express it well.

If I were to write, it would be about something worthwhile. It would no longer be filled with uncertainties and insecurities because those are not a part of my spirit anymore. It would be poetic and beautiful and just might entice your spirit to greater life.

And I sure as hell hope that if I were to write, it could finally be about someones and somethings that are not me…

“I’ll Love You if You Love Me”

You can feel it. The moment that sickly sweet feeling rises up in your chest. It oozes out of your mouth and through your actions. Sometimes the other person feels loved. But you know the truth.

You know that what you are giving them is not really a gift. It is not really life. And because our God is mind-blowing and good, He can produce life from your shriveled up actions and words. But you want something.

It’s love for selfish gain. Love for the purpose of control. Love that is not love at all.

And you’ve just dug those hooks into that other persons spirit and spit out demandingly “fill me with life”. You know they have no life to give but somehow their life looks more appealing than your life and you want it… all.

The symptoms reveal themselves in various forms. Asking someone how they are doing so they will ask back. Calling or texting to get friends together just so you won’t be alone for the evening. Never, ever, ever being alone. Or always, always, always being alone. Never inviting others into your home to change your normal flow of everyday living. Viewing any change as a disruption.

I’ve been thinking about this love stuff recently. I’ve been noticing how often we give our lives so that we’ll be loved back. I’ve been thinking that if I really believed God, I wouldn’t have to stick out hooks and desperately hope to be loved. Because I am already loved. Scandalously and beyond all that I can DO and even BE.

And if I actually believed I was loved, then I would be free… not needing anything else. Because afterall, I was BORN to be loved. Created to breathe in His kindness and purpose for me. Made to revel in intimacy. I would no longer have to wander from one person to the next looking for what I was designed for. I have been designed for Him. And when I snuggle my heart up close to His, then I can actually look at what He’s looking at, and care about what He’s caring about.

AND IT’S YOU! You are His heartbeat and somehow the completion of His heart.

“For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love”

So please, even in my halting and imperfect way, let me love you. Not so I can get love back. But because somehow, someday, I’ve got to give all this love away!

Give Me My Mountain!

“He breathed on them and said, RECEIVE the Holy Spirit” And when Jesus said that He meant take it. Take the Holy Spirit. Grasp at Him and hang on to Him for dear life! And don’t let Him go!

When I was at G42 Jesus looked at me and said RECEIVE! Take as big a slice of the pie of life as you want. And don’t let go! Hang on with all your might.

Then He asked me to let go. To give it away so that He could give me more.  I stood in front of my front door (on the most photographed street in Spain, might I add) and intensely spoke to Allison… ‘my life is not my own anymore’! I don’t have any rights that God has not given me. I have died! So now I can actually live.

So I have. I came home and continued to LIVE like He had told me to. But it’s not really going to do anything unless I give it away. Unless I live so closely to others that my heart is exposed. So that the reality of love and life that is in my spirit can shine forth.

Now I have the life! Now I’m eating the pie. I am out of the wilderness and ready for my inheritance.

And I am reminded of Caleb. Caleb from the bible who was one of the TWO who stood up in his generation and said… ‘God SAID He would give us the land so we don’t have to be afraid. And by the way, I’m getting THAT mountain’. (the mountain that had the most dangerous people to fight and the most fruit to gain).

The Israelites didn’t agree with God’s power so they missed out. They missed out for 40 years. Instead they wandered, lost and purposeless living by their circumstances. But Caleb, at the end of it all,  looked at God and said ‘I still want that mountain that you promised me so that my kids and I will have something to cultivate and create.  Yes, I realize it might take years to actually get the fruit of my labor, but I don’t care. I want that mountain’.

I want my mountain. I am ready for my inheritance. I am ready to work hard and learn and move forward. I will learn to cut hair and do it to the best of my abilities. I will watch God increase my inheritance as I give my life away.

I found a cosmetology school in Denver that I want to attend. It is based on apprenticeships so that it will be hands on.  And I will get my mountain! I will be able to give away my life, create beauty, and watch as my inheritance increases!

I’m getting it… barely. I am living it… well, beginning to.

Success is not success without succession.

So God, I want that mountain!

Damn You, Religion!

Religion.

We think of it as a good thing. Religion brings better morals and children who are well-behaved and controllable human beings. It tells us how to act and gives us guidlines and rules for situations. It makes us better people.

But does it?

God says He just used the law to show us how we absolutely couldn’t make it to perfection.

Jesus roars “I have come that they may have life and have it ABUNDANTLY!” And then Paul comes along in all of his zeal and cries out “It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set you FREE” And something in the human heart should leap at those words. You mean I don’t have to be trapped by guilt any longer? You mean I’m not obligated to think only about myself? You mean this life can actually be enjoyable and filled with hope and encouragement and even laughter? But instead, religion rears his ugly head and starts speaking ‘shoulds’ and shouldn’ts’ and telling us all about how we need to be

Religion is the law. And the law only brings death. So while I have been busy feasting at the tree of the knowledge of good and evil I’ve been slowly dying. In the meantime, Life is just waiting for me. Readily displaying it’s fruit for me to take hold of and claim. And I have turned back… and back… and back to good and evil. Oh when will this heart of mine learn that intimate relationship is really the only way to live?

So how do I fight religion? Not with nasty words focused on right and wrong. But by being me. By being Annie Rose following what my Daddy says and where He moves.  I don’t want to be natural Annie Rose. I can learn to be supernatural in the simplest of natural ways. And I enter into relationship. Relationship with my Father in heaven. Which isn’t always going to be perfect. It might be dangerous. I might be on the edge. It might not have any guarantees. But I will live it just the same

So religion, I want nothing to do with you. There is a swaying dance of life that I am invited into. Where He whispers and I perk my ears to hear. It is romantic and adventurous and altogether more than I can handle. And somehow when I dance with Him, it entices others to dance.

It’s like when you watch a bride being loved well by her husband. As you watch him compliment her and lead her and support her in every moment, something in your heart is healed. At least that is true for me 🙂 Because all of a sudden there is hope again that there really could be a life that is that good, and I really have the possibility of being that loved and pursued.

 

Anyway these are thoughts that were started in Spain and completed after a month of being home. And still so true! 🙂

Religion, you are done. Intimacy, you’re what I was created for!

 

Time for a New Jacket

I have so many thoughts right now…

I’m coming home tomorrow. I will land in the states to spend time with my awesome brother, Dave, for a week. Then spend another week celebrating a wedding with my squad from the World Race. And then it’s home for me. As I have attempted to process this transition, there’s been many thoughts that have crossed my mind.

I’m so afraid that the box that I have been in my whole life will surround me as I leave this incredible season. I’m graduating from G42 and it is definitely time to come home. I don’t need to have more imparted to me. I need to give it away. But I want to acknowledge the fear and face it head on. And once again I choose to be completely honest and open in this process.

Today I had a conversation with some important people in my life and they asked me to remember what this past week has been like for me. As I remembered, I was blessed and so I would like to share with you.

We started the week with George Ridley. While this man cares deeply for others, he is also a realist and VERY good at asking questions that make you think. He spoke over and over again about having good work ethic and being a person of honor in it all. I was challenged again to be a person who follows through on my dreams even when it is hard work.

Thursday morning was an incredible time of relationship and release. Each of the graduates was prayed over and released into following their commitments and callings. During the prayer so much was given to me. Life was breathed into my spirit and I will claim those words as I go home. Thursday night was graduation with lots of pictures and blessings.

And then Friday. 🙂 Friday evening I climbed the mountain with Evin Feit and Nate Evans. As we hiked, we had some bomb conversations about heaven and made some plans to go white-water rafting, eat sandwiches, and do some awesome star-gazing when we get there (to heaven). After we watched the sunset and I froze my bum bum off, we started to come down in the dark with our headlamps. Halfway down we hit a clearing made of gravel and decided to lay down to star gaze. Little did we know we would be bombarded by God’s presence. After laying there for 20 minutes I thought we would get up and leave until…. dun dun duuuun. Laughter hit us like a ton of bricks. We laughed so hard (for no apparent reason) that our stomachs were cramping and our cheeks were hurting. And then… we laughed some more! It was INCREDIBLE! I am convinced that our laughter broke off some strongholds. When we were done, all three of us had a peace settle deep in our hearts.

Saturday morning we finished off with a sunrise hike, and one last family dinner on Sunday night eating Parmesan chicken and beautiful salad.

What a finish to a beautiful time here in Spain.

I started this blog by saying that I’m coming home soon. As I have been here I have grown in my confidence, identity, and intimacy with the Lord. I’ve become comfortable in this place. It is now time for a new season. Like Samuel receiving a new jacket every year from his mother Hannah, I am about to have a jacket placed on my shoulders that is a little big. My commitments and plans are about to be tested and tried until they come out refined and shining with purity. I will need to grow in order to fit into this jacket. But in the words of Rafiki from the Lion King “It is time”

In the ending scene of the Lion King, Simba hugs Rafiki and releases him to his new position. As Simba strides to take his place as king, the clouds open to the sound of his father’s voice speaking “remember”… “remember who you are” Simba pulls his head back to release a roar that shakes the earth. There is a roar in my spirit that also needs to be released. And I don’t think it can be until I confidently take the steps to the place God has for me. So once again, I will change jackets and step up to the place of confidence, leadership, and humility that this next season will call for…

Aawww Hell NO!

“You won’t be able to hang on to these things you’ve learned when you get home from G42”

“You can’t really BE joy and HAVE joy in the middle of hopelessness and fear”

“You only THINK you’ve changed because of the environment you’ve lived in for the last 6 months”

“God might not provide for you”

“Your victory is temporary”

These thoughts have been inching their way into my heart in the last week. They have tempted me to make decisions based on fear and not on faith. I have reacted to these thoughts in agreement and allowed them to take possession of my heart. I have agreed with the words and given them power in my beliefs and actions. I have been submitting to those thoughts and allowing them to have authority in me. It all culminated yesterday in an afternoon of fear. I started to think about my finances and my future and my thoughts spiraled into a panicked fear.

Now don’t get me wrong. Feeling the heaviness and giving in to the heaviness are two very different things. While yesterday was filled with tears and a bit of anxiety, it was also an experience that I am increasingly grateful for. It was incredible to  fully feel the fear of God not providing in order to delight in the fact that He will. 🙂

I just walked out of our morning class at G42 and I am buzzing. Today we talked about the weapons of our warfare. We addressed several stories in the Bible, but the one that stands out the most to me is the story of David and Goliath. When David came to the battleground all that Goliath had been doing for 40 days was standing and shouting. All that Goliath had up to that point in the war was his words. He looked huge to the Israelites and so they feared him and only saw in the physical.

When David came to see the war, he found the Isrealites running. Twice a day, morning and night, they would set up for battle and then turn an about-face in fear and run the other way as Goliath shouted. They saw a Giant. David saw an uncircumcised man. A man who was not in covenant with Almighty God and therefore was standing before them completely exposed and vulnerable. So David, seeing in his spirit, went to fight that man’s words with actions.

There is a truth to be grasped here. The enemy has words. And that’s all. The effect of his words are powerful. IF we agree with him. So how do I fight?

With my actions. With MY words that are actually GOD’S words and are of a deeper substance of truth than the enemy’s words.

“For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God,

and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

2 Corinthians 10:4-5

So when the enemy looks at me, sneers, and starts to speak words of fear or rejection at me. I can look back, sneer, and speak words of life right back at him. Not only that, I can look at the spirit of Fear in the face and know a basic truth about that demon. The spirit of fear is fearful and that is why he comes to torment me. The spirit of rejection has been rejected and is not allowed into God’s presence and peace. Those spirits have no power over my heart and soul unless I am giving them power.

But when I push against their words, I don’t try to subject the fear and anxiety to my own power. No, instead I show that demon Christ. I look them straight in the eye and say BECAUSE of Christ I have not been given a spirit of fear. You wanna know what I have instead?? I’ve got power. I’ve got love. And I’ve got self-discipline. Not because of my own power or my own ability to have these things. I have them because Christ gave them to me when He came back from the dead with the keys to the kingdom! He gave me His authority when He came back from beating death. HAH! So what do you have to say now, demon? You want to grapple with Christ? He’s my validity. Ya wanna try and beat Him? Because He already beat you at Calvary and now I’ve beat you because I am dead to myself and alive in Him!

When I woke up this morning, I was filled with joy. Because I believed the words David spoke to God when he said “weeping lasts for the night but joy comes in the morning”.  As I heard these words I was filled again with the knowledge of the Truth. I was reminded of past victories and bolstered with the new truths I have gained today. “Everything works together for my good” and “NOTHING can seperate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus”. I stand on that substance of life instead of on the shifting sand of the enemy who is seeking to destroy me.

So thank you very much, Spirit of Fear, but I think I will live in peace and joy today. No thank you to your offer of anxiety and mistrust. I know my God and I stand in His confidence. Not my own. If you would like to take this up with my Dad, you’ll find him on the throne, ruling over you. Buzz off, fear. I’ve got more important things to contemplate and meditate on.

Hmmm… now onto joy…

What ARE New Covenant Realities??

We had an incredible week here at G42 with Ted Hanson, a Pastor and Prophet in the U.S. When Ted comes it’s like a wind of words comes sweeping into your ears and heart. You don’t quite know where those words are coming from. When you try to grasp them only with your thoughts and mind, you become quite exhausted. But if your heart and spirit are like a windmill- constantly in motion and available to move where the wind blows- you will find the motion of love and mystery combining in you to produce power.

As we sat in Ted’s presence this week, he talked about Old Covenant and New Covenant. Since Jesus there has been an availability to mankind of living in the New Covenant. However, this new covenant is not like the Old Covenant. It is completely new in its DNA and make up. While in class, we talked about some of the differences between Old Covenant and New Covenant. I would like to present some of these differences to you. But before I do that, I will give you two quotes that were some of my favorite from this week.

“He came to get heaven into your hell to transform your hell so that you can be heaven in the midst of the hell of earth.”

AND

“You cannot despise structures.

You must transform them.

You become what’s working in the midst of what’s NOT working so that it can work.”

          Old Covenant                                                               

~ Knowing what to DO                    

~Obedience to the Book            

~Right and Wrong             

~ What you DO determines who you ARE          

~Information (knowledge)        

~Discipline (for actions)        

~Go to church           

~ Discipleship- take them by the hand and lead them    

      New Covenant

~Being empowered to BE  

~Obedience to the Voice

~ Life and Death

~Who you ARE determines what you DO

~Intimacy (Knowing and being known)

~Discipline (for attitudes)

~You ARE the church when Christ is IN you

~Discipleship- Activate THEM to lead 

So this is a piece of what my week was like. I walked away feeling encouraged to be transformed by the New Covenant instead of attempting to conform myself to the rules of the Old Covenant.

Please Let Me Out of That Box

 

 

 Have you ever seen the movie Toy Story 2? Throughout the storyline there is a toy called Stinky Pete the Prospector. According to what the other characters know, he has never been brought out of the original packaging he was purchased in. Because of this he has become a precious collectors item that can be sold for a large sum. But the Prospector has also become embittered and resentful from all of the years spent in that box. At one point toward the end of the movie, it is suddenly found out that the Prospector has been sneaking out of his box to perform sneaky tasks that will imprison the other characters. And this story brings me to my favorite line of that movie. The moment the Prospector is found out there is a collective gasp from the group and Woody cries out.

 

“GASP! YOU’RE OUTTA YOUR BOX!”

So many times in the last two years I feel like I have looked at God, gasped, and shouted out “you’re outta your box”. And He has chuckled and nodded yes. When He provides the money it takes to go on the World Race, I gasp. When I hear witness of the blind seeing and the dead rising, I gasp. When His Holy Spirit actually wants to meet me and let me experience Him, I gasp. When I come to G42 expecting to learn and I get to soak in all of His goodness without the ability to use words, I gasp. The labels I have placed on God have been demolished as I get closer to Him.

As His labels have fallen off, so have mine! I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have had people call me ‘spiritual’, ‘deep’, ‘caring’, and ‘cute’. These are not bad labels. The people who gave them were giving them because they like me and wanted me to know it. But those words have put a covering on me. They have limited me to being an introverted, nice, sweet, girl who wants peace in all situations.

 

None of those things are bad, in and of themselves. I AM spiritual. I AM nice. I AM sweet. I DO want peace. And I AM deep (I mean, my goodness, have you ever had a conversation with me).

 

But I, Annie Rose Taylor, have something to declare! I have a freakin’ LION inside of me getting ready to roar. The strength and size of my spirit is not to be underestimated. And I’m done with boxing myself and others into what I can comprehend.

Sometimes, no, a lot of times, I laugh at jokes that are inappropriate. If you joke with me and I don’t think it’s funny, I’m learning not to laugh. There is a truth residing inside of me that doesn’t care about how easily offended you are, and I am learning how to speak it (from the deepest place of love). I love to go out on the town and dance the night away. I’m learning how to fight in order to have true peace. I am me.

So would you please stop labelling me? Would please remove that box that you have placed around me and just let me be me? Maybe I’ll surprise you, or maybe not. Either way, It’s much more fun to know someone for who they really are anyway.

This week in classes at G42 I was finally released. We were speaking life to each other at the beginning. And it happened a little something like this…. Jenny Telfer looks across the room at me and speaks the words that I have fought for years to be true in my life.

“Annie Rose, you are more YOU than I have ever seen you be, even in the short time I’ve known you. You are you and it is beautiful and strong!”

That’s it. That’s all that was spoken. But then Herman Haan recognizes that something has just happened that none of our natural eyes could see. He calls me to the front and speaks about a covering that has been on me. He asks Jenny to come up and help him remove that covering. So they did. Watch out world, Annie Rose doesn’t have to submit to labels any longer. She now knows her identity as a daughter of the King and will live from THAT place of joy and rest and peace. There is a wildness that has been released and cannot be contained by other’s (or even my own) thoughts or labels or boxes.

I’m still learning how to live outside of that box, but I’m loving every minute of it!

So if I could ask you to do anything in response to what you have read, it is this. Please, please, please let that box be demolished. It could be a box on your view of God. Let it be broken. It could be a box on your family and how much they will never change. Punch a hole through that one. It could be a box on who you are as a person. Try something new and test those boundaries. 

It won’t be easy. Even in the last 2 days I have struggled even deeper in identity issues. I’ve wanted to submit again to other’s opinions of me. But it’s just because I’m free and I am better able to recognize when that label hits. I WON’T stop being me! I can’t. I am me, and I have been released. And you can be you!

From this day on may those labels fall so that each one of us can FINALLY be who and what we were DESIGNED to be!

Creativity Released

So while you have been waiting with bated breath for this next blog to come out, what you don’t realize is that I’ve started 3 blogs this week and none of them have made it to publication. Was I caring too much what you thought of me and therefore didn’t post? Mmm possibly. Could I not figure out how to just be me and write what I am passionate about? That’s probably more true. But nonetheless, I am here. Back again to write the enthralling words that make you cling to your seats in anticipation (haha).

This week at G42 something incredible happened. Herman Haan came from Holland. This man has directed over 40 documentaries, owns his own vinyard, cooks as a profession, and is one of the most genuine people you will ever meet. He has had his fair share of heartache and disaster and has come out more like Herman, and dare I say it, more like Christ than when he started. He came with questions that were deep and put us all on the spot. He wanted to know who each of us really is and was not afraid to ask the hard questions to get to the place of reality. Every day brought an assignment that pushed us out of our comfort zones.

One of our assignments was to write a short story in a style we have never used, on a subject we were not used to, using words we normally don’t. It was an honor to sit in that room with 9 other incredibly talented people and hear their stories. And today, I want to share the one I read to the class. I hope you enjoy.

THE DOOR

 

Power flows fresh to fingertips grasping. Palms pound yearning desire on planks of decorated, unforgiving wood. The Orphan-heart gazes through glass. Begrudging steel wall of glass. Glass building an unbreakable barrier to that table. The table taken from the Tree of Life now holds life at every moment of every day. Bears tears, joy, crayons, and new wine and experiences life and breath in a way that living, breathing flesh cannot comprehend. And living, breathing flesh dies one more deep death.

But one can dream, can they not? One can hope even when no latch twists to open. So Orphan-child releases desperate plea through fists clenched death-tight.

“Want me. Hear me. See me. Love me.” Cries deep searching for another deep. When tears flow unquenchable, swipe them from face with knuckles hope-filled confident. The fists pound; hammer looking for nail to find home.

Voices begin to whisper-shout confusion sounding like truth to spirit-brain.

“Too much and not enough,” lies make logical sense to brain void of heart.

“Protect them from yourself”, dislodges heart to brink of breaking. Accusing questions dart to wound.

“Are you really worthy of door-open invitations? Won’t you dislodge the laughing-unity with soul-brokenness deep within? Is all this really worth the bleeding hands?” Resignation settles to depths of bones.

Then back-burner memory releases to frontal lobe. Two bleeding hands. Hands scarred with tears of blind eyes seeing clear. Hands bleeding out twelve-year shame to produce peace-healing. Hands ripped to five thousand pieces of bread and fish for feasting to left-over full. Hand holes dirt-filled with disciple road grime. Hands holding least-of-these children in front of shocked religion.

Memory releases strength.

Orphan-child pounds.

Door swings unexplained open.

Open to recieve Orphan to adoption.

Father-mouth smiles acceptance. Mother-arms draw dirt-filled Orphan-child to strong-soft heart. Air gasps into lungs brought back by jolt of electric elation.

“What is ours is yours!” And child is giddy-awkward. Orphan-child… NO! Now Child, settles into belonging. And belonging settles on Child who has found home at Tree of Life feasting table.

No Really… Thank YOU

Thanks always precedes the miracle.

I read this while on a plane to Spain. (where the rain stays mainly on the plain… just saying) It was the beginning of a journey that would teach me my joy and call out hope from the depths of my soul. A journey that would place weapons of spiritual warfare into my little hands and teach me how to wield those weapons with skill and deadly aim. A journey that would bring light to the dark places of my heart and freedom to the places taken captive by hopelessness and despair.

one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp was the book that started it all. As I read this woman’s journey, I began to understand just how important it is to say ‘thank you’. It seems so silly. So childish. I mean, we remind children to say thank you all the time. We hand them a treat and almost  automatically say ‘what do you say?’. If they’ve been taught, they reply with a ‘thank you’ and quickly demolish what they’ve been given. Simple, right?

But so deep. If you read the Bible, start looking for words such as ‘thankfulness’, ‘thanksgiving’, and ‘thanks’. I am pretty sure it will surprise you.

Say thank you for trials.

                                                    Say thank you for the past.

                        Say thank you for what is to come.

Say thank you for His unfailing love.

It’s all over the place. It sounds so easy. And in some ways it is… yet in the moment it can be the hardest thing to turn from anxiety and insecurity to that place of saying thank you. I have started the process. I am far from being thankful in every moment, but I am learning on a daily basis how to say thank you and I am beginning to look for those little moments of life that are so simple and yet speak of His deep, deep love for me.

And when I notice them, something shifts in me. When I say thank you there is suddenly evidence that God really is brilliant and really DOES do good things. My thank you solidifies the goodness of God in my heart and teaches me to live in the moment seeking out His promises for right now. The thank you in my heart renews my faith and confidence that He can and does provide for me in every minute.

I have started writing them down. Which means, being the organized person that I am, I currently have lists of thankfulness in 4 different notebooks. haha! So here are some of my favorites 🙂

~Sneaking in last stolen moments of shut-eye before gorgeous morning runs~

 

~No-bake cookies that give cavities~

~Trees that lift their hands to praise their Creator~

~”Shame off you, babe” voice of God spoken into spirit.~

~Too many tears of joy to count~

~Skinny Europeans eating donuts and breads all day long.~

~Sky-blue sky~

~Slivered gold moon captivating at wee hours of the morning~ 

~Finding my voice even in outward silence~

~Glasses of wine shared as new wine flows in form of laughter and life and words~

 

        

~A life lived adventurous in every moment~

~One bright pin-point star in dusk-almost-dark evening, thick with peace~

~Breakfast for dinner that pulls us out of the box~

~Wind tugging strands of hair to dance in praise and delight on the wings of the One who has counted every strand.~

~English accents on Amercan tongues~

~Me-monster thoughts and words fleeing as joy brings peace.~

~Dashes of blood-red flowers mixed in with the green life of leaves.~

 

Hello?… Is This Thing On?

Do you ever feel like you can’t hear God’s voice?

Do you wonder if you’ve EVER heard His voice?

The last few days have felt hazy. My thoughts have been wrapped up in ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. I’ve been in my head analyzing things I’ve said or interactions that I’ve had. I have found myself scattered. When I am upstairs I think about being downstairs. When I am in class I think about what I will be doing after class.  I wake up in the morning wanting intimacy with the Father and striving and working hard to get to that place of relationship. I try to think of all the right things and remember the words He’s spoken over me.

I try. And I try. And I try.

But it just leads to this gross feeling inside of me. The feeling that I have to prove myself and act a certain way to show that I’m good enough and spiritual enough. My friend Allison calls those emotions ‘feeling crunchy’. It’s just kinda an awkward feeling that doesn’t have a name but doesn’t feel normal. And then somewhere in there, accusations pop up that sound something like this “you know these things, get it together” “just start declaring things over yourself, it’s easy”. These words that have brought life in the past now break my soul by the burden of them. And I feel like I don’t know anything. (ps. remember when I said I was going to be real, well here it is)

So then I have a conversation with some important people in my life and I remember. Wait a second… I AM LOVED! When someone is loved they have a place. They are known and listened to, and what they feel and say matters to the one who loves. When someone is loved it’s not a conditional thing. It is an all-the-time, no-matter-what kind of thing that is a mystery to scientists and philosophers. And God told me a while back that I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. I am a vessel designed to receive His love. So I am loved whether I choose it or not. I am just LOVED.

And all of a sudden my insides start to relax. If I don’t have to prove anything to the one who MADE me, then maybe I don’t have to prove anything to anybody else. When my spirit is finally a little bit calmer, I can then start to hear His voice. I realize that I actually do know some things and that I’ve been complicating it the whole time. So here’s the things I DO know… His words are “shame off you” words. His heart is a Father’s heart that loves deeply and doesn’t leave even when I’m not being myself because I’m trying so hard. He has a design for me and it will feel natural to walk in that design because it’s how I was made to be.

And I can finally hear His words again.

He tells me to go read a book. lol. Not because if I don’t, I’ll miss out. Because He knows that I like to read and He can make anything glorious! Anything. When I think it’s MY job to make things glorious is when I have a seriously twisted view of myself and my place. So I go and read. And I enjoy my book. Somewhere in there, I am finally at rest enough to ask Him to start surprising me with His presence and trust that He wants to.

I forgot for a moment that this whole thing is a love affair. I tried to started trying and it ruined the whole thing. That doesn’t mean I stop claiming His words over my life. It just means I don’t have to work so hard. He told me His yoke is easy and His burden is light. So tomorrow if I wake up heavy, I just look at Him and say “what do you think about me?” and I listen for His response and I walk accordingly.

Making a Plan and Saying ‘Amen’…

If any of you have read anything about the G42 Leadership Academy, you know that it is a place where individuals come to grow in areas of leadership, vision, and ultimately character. As I have been here, my desire to be a woman of integrity has increased and my passion for the orphaned heart to find a home has reached a new level.

Through G42 I have realized how much the Good News really is GOOD news. My desire to see the glory of the Lord fill the whole earth has become even greater and I am determined to be the generation to see His church reach a new level of glory.

How?

As I have looked at my generation I have seen a few trends. I have seen that we are a generation who does not like to be fooled. We want reality in our friendships and relationships. And we certainly do not think that religion will offer us much. And I agree with my generation. Religion does not offer much to its recipients.

The language of Religion is do’s and dont’s.  Religion is filled with ‘you should do this’ and ‘you shouldn’t do that’. It speaks shame and guilt into the heart whose only desire is to be loved and accepted. Religion destroys relationships as comparison builds its walls of death. It binds hearts to rules instead of freeing us to live

So if the problem is Religion, what is the solution? The only solution to all of that is real, genuine, authentic relationship that tears down the walls and leads to restoration. God’s desire is to have that relationship with those whom He has created in His image.  His heart is to see those broken hearts healed and restored to full working order so that each of His beloved children can be who they were designed to be. Relationship breaks the chains and leads to freedom to just BE.

If you, dear reader, will think about a moment in your life when you have felt most free, I believe you will come up with a moment where you felt no judgement. It might include a moment where you laughed deep belly laughs with another person who you knew would believe the best about you. It might be a moment where you acted like a fool, unafraid of what others would think. When fear is gone, freedom to love and live in relationship comes.

This has more and more become my desire- to see others walk and live in freedom to be who they were created to be. And as I learn how to walk in this intimacy of relationship, I see how beautiful this life really is and can be. And I’ve got to share it!

After G42 I am planning to come back to the US for a while. While in Spain, I also realized how much I love relationship (this is no surprise to those who know me) and how I enjoy creating beauty with my hands. My desire is to take the incredible foundations that G42 has given me and start a healthy community wherever I go. I am planning to begin training in cosmetology (possibly in Phoenix, AZ) and take the principles I am learning in G42 to bless each person I come in contact with while there.

I also dream of living in a house that is a safe place to build deeper relationship with God and other people. I envision people living every day normal life in an abnormal way. I am trusting that the safety of this place will lead to spontaneous moments of laughter and joy that go deeper than our circumstances and that love will lead to truth and that will lead to changed lives.

G42 has laid a strong foundation for any path that I choose for the future and I have been immensely blessed by my experience here. I have two and a half more months until I am done and I would sincerely like to stay to finish my training. However, in order to stay I must be fully supported. Would you consider joining me in this dream and helping reach this goal of the glory of the Lord filling the earth?

I have exactly $3,772 to raise before I am fully funded. Please think about giving for the next generation to find freedom and purpose in a deeper, more intimate way. If you are interested in giving, simply go to http://www.g42leadershipacademy.org/donate and click on Intern Support. Specify that the donation goes to Annie Rose Taylor.

If you have any questions, feel free to email me at arose.taylor@gmail.com

A Beautiful Freakin’ Mess

I started this blog because I want to be authentic. I don’t want to make things pretty so that people like me more. I want to be raw and real so that when I know and speak the truth, you can know it’s coming from a real place! Even now I sit on my bed in Spain and desperately cry out to God to give me the words to communicate what I’m feeling.

So here it is… the real Annie Rose Taylor. No walls, no pretty little wrapping to make it more acceptable, no big fancy words. Just me…

Recently I asked God to shake everything that could be shaken in me. As a daughter of God, I am a part of a kingdom that cannot be shaken. So if there was an attitude or a thought or an action that could be dislodged in my heart, I wanted that.

And, oh boy, has He ever shaken me… I feel like quite the mess right now. And I keep thinking that this walk with Jesus will get less messy

It hasn’t.

I have been fighting my whole life to figure out who I am. What do I care about? What don’t I care about? What do I want to do? What does God want me to do? And recently, piece by piece those questions are being answered. Piece by piece God is re-weaving my heart to look and feel like His.

And He’s doing it through the promise of full healing. I have had to face struggles of depression, low self-image, anxiety, and hurt in my life. But I have now heard God say that these old things will pass away. And that new life will come!

It is on it’s way…

It must be mentioned that I also asked Him to break any chains that hinder love in me. So any bad attitude or wrong thinking, I want broken off of me. I want to be of a people that love authentically from the heart and fully know the love they have from their God. I keep thinking His love can’t get any better.

It can

The way that God loves us is with a heart completely exposed. He cries out to a people all day long that they would turn to Him and when they don’t, His heart is affected. As I start to look and sound like my Daddy, I realize that is the love I have to have. I am now being transformed to bear a heart completely open and exposed to pain at any moment. If God holds me together and is my defender, than I don’t have to worry about the pain because bearing this depth of love is so worth the pain. It is beautiful and it hurts and it changes me!

So I’ve been crying these tears recently. Sometimes they come from joy and sometimes they are sadness. But every time I cry there’s something that happens in my heart that almost can’t be explained. Every tear gives me a new understanding of the heart of God.

Even though I am a complete mess, I am finding hope that God is giving me more of Him and I am completely humbled to be a bearer of His heart in every part of my life, even if it comes with more tears!

My God is the God Who Provides

Extravagant

My God is extravagant. He is extravagant in His love. He does not hold back His heart from us… ever. He pours Himself out for  us. He poured out His life-blood so that we might live (Luke 22:20). He pours out His grace to us that we might know we belong to Him (Ephesians 1:6). He pours out His Holy Spirit that we might live our new life abundantly, no longer worrying about insecurities (Titus 3:6-7).

Yep! That’s my God.

I think I used to know that in my head, but I really thought that God was just stingy and did not want to give me any more than the bare minimum. When He asked me to travel to 11 countries in 11 months I thought He was just playing a joke on me. I thought He would let me get all excited about going and then at the last second He would pull the rug out from under me and I would be lost. That was my perspective of a God who even TELLS me… Hey! I know how to give good gifts! (Matthew 7:11)

Because of my mentality, whenever I got a good gift, like traveling to 11 countries in 11 months, I would hoard it. If I was given peace, (which I have been) I would try to keep it all inside of me so that I wouldn’t lose it. If there was joy in me that I knew was from God, I would try to figure out all the ways to keep it… and therefore I would lose it. 

So I tried my darndest to grasp for it again. I would read the same passage or poem I had read the day before or I would listen to the same song that gave me chills last week. I didn’t want to lose what God gave me. I didn’t know (deep in my being) that I am a daughter of the King of the Universe. So I thought I wouldn’t be provided for. It came out in my spending habits too. I wouldn’t keep track of how much I spent and would make purchases that were almost out of a fear that I didn’t have enough.

And then God started to talk. And as some of you know, when God speaks, life happens. (Hello all of creation!) He started in January by asking me if I would be willing to live like a person who is not in want. He asked me if I really believe what He says to me. And I started to change

I started to believe Him. It was slow at first. I would still fearfully grasp my gifts to myself at moments. Or I would foolishly spend my money, afraid that if I didn’t get a good deal now, I never would. But I started to peacefully see how He would let me go weeks hardly spending anything and how I was still happy. He would allow me to be filled even after I had poured out. 

I had started to believe that He cares for me. 

Extravagantly!

So I come to Spain, with a little cash in the bank and a big trust in my God to give me all that I need. And I’m laying on this rug in my room, the other day and it hits me. I have had 5 euro in my wallet for the last two weeks. I haven’t had to spend it and I’ve been completely content the whole time. HAHA! And I start to tear up because for the first time I recognize that I know the truth. I know that I know that I KNOW that my God takes care of me. In every way, He cares for me. So I will follow Him wherever He sends me!

As I am in Spain, I still have about $3800 left until I am completely supported. I know that God provides, and I know He uses His people in that process. So would you consider giving to this incredible training that I am receiving? Training for the rest of my life as I follow my God who gives extravagantly without holding back.

If you would like to give to my training at G42 simply insert the link and follow the directions. Be sure to specify it goes to Annie Rose Taylor. (If you don’t find the place to specify, they will respond to emails quite sufficiently.) 

http://www.g42leadershipacademy.org/donate

Be blessed and know that our God is good! 

SO GOOD!

What Am I Here For?

Purpose– the original intent of something in the mind of the creator.

‘Your existence is evidence that this generation needs something that only you have.’

‘You are responsible for the intentional fulfillment of that purpose in such a way that it affects those around you.’

I hear these words in my class at G42 Leadership Academy, and my spirit is hit hard by them! I start to ask my Creator why I was made. Why am I here on earth? Why am I going to a school in Spain? Why do I think I can change my generation and the next?

My purpose, and why I am here on earth right now, has already been planted deep within my heart. I wake up to that purpose and walk in it every day. I act and react from that purpose without even realizing it. My purpose affects and works with the purposes of those around me.

A month ago, I didn’t have words for that purpose.

So while I wasn’t purposeless, I was definitely lacking direction for that purpose.

Meanwhile, we at G42 have a whole week where we are learning about our purpose and I have no freaking idea what mine is. It was a little stressful at first, and then I just asked. And of course, He responded. It started with a word…

DISRUPT (defined as to throw into turmoil or confusion)

What? That’s a really harsh word, God, and it’s not very nice. Yet when I think about my life, it makes sense. I am a fighter. I fought with my parents when I didn’t need to because I wanted more. Always for the purpose of MORE. More understanding, more love, more more more.

Thankfully, I got a second word…

ENTICE (to attract by arousing hope or desire)

Entice to what? I start to think about how the Good News really IS good news. And how it is only good news because the God who is calling us into relationship is a God of love. His very core and being is love. And He wants anyone and everyone to experience that love. So I want to entice others to His love.

But then, I don’t want them to just keep that love for themselves. I want them to be able to pass that on to multiple generations. The only way they can do that is to be pushed into it. And so came the third word

ACTIVATE (to set in motion; make active or more active)

As I talk through this purpose of mine I finally arrive at a sentence. And I realize when I write this sentence, that I have always been acting in this purpose. God just gave me words for it so that I can communicate it to others.

The purpose of Annie Rose Taylor is to DISRUPT and ENTICE multiple generations to the extravagant love of God and ACTIVATE them to function within their God-given purpose and destiny.

Words. He gave me actual words for why I am alive. I don’t take them lightly. But I rejoice in them. Because now I KNOW that multiple generations WILL know God’s crazy extravagant love and they WILL take that everywhere they go. And this world WILL become a place where the presence of God will desire to dwell.

So if I could say anything to you, dear reader, it would be this. Find your purpose. Find what makes you come alive. And walk in it! If you don’t know what that purpose is, ask. There’s a Creator who made you and had awesome intentions for you that will make you come alive. He knows and He wants YOU to know!

Find your purpose so you can live fully alive!

I’m in a store and I’m singiiiing!

If you’ve never seen the movie Elf with Will Ferrell, you need to. It’ll make you laugh and cry and warm your heart. There’s a moment in the movie when Elf confidently declares

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear”

He then proceeds to sing loudly for the whole store to hear the glory of his voice.

I mention this movie because it reminds me of… well, myself.

Being here at G42 in Spain has been life-changing, to say the least. I am absorbing more than I can give out on a daily basis and I am constantly going from glory to glory at what feels like an accelerated pace. God speaks. I hear Him. And I am changed. So since God speaks and I now know I hear Him, He likes to wake me up with phrases and words. It’s really fun.

The other day, He woke me up with this

“There’s a sound rising in the hearts of this generation. It’s the new, young song combined with those of old. And the power of this new song will set the captives free, heal the sick, raise the dead, break every chain that hinders love.”

So I proceeded to ask

– is there a word for this song? Freedom? Love?

He promptly responded “Annie Rose, will you sing it when no one else is singing? Will you let your life combine with the body of Christ to sing out justice to the nations? Will you let this song sink deep into your spirit? Will you listen to it to your very soul? WILL YOU SING IT?”

-But WHAT is the song, Jesus? I mean I want to sing it… I just don’t know it yet.

God grinned with the anticipation of the discovery that would come next

The next day, after a long day of reading, thinking, and processing I walked to a place called the lookout. I was hoping to let my mind wander and not think of anything too seriously. God had a better idea. I had recently started to ask Him what the names of my angels were. He started to speak to me about joy.

-Joy? Really, God? Joy? For the one who has struggled with negativity and depression? Would you really give me an angel of Joy??

God smiled. I cried. And laughed a little.

In a conversation with a group of girls over a glass of wine later that week, I started to come to a new revelation.

JOY… Joy is my SONG! It’s not just an angel that God has given to take care of me and work with me. Joy is the seed that was planted deep within the fibers of my very being before the creation of the world. And when I sing the song of joy, it raises the dead hearts to come to life, it sets the captives free to be what they were destined to be, it breaks off the chains of hopelessness and doubt. Because, when I sing that song it comes from the very core of my being that was made in the image of the Almighty One, the Leader of Heaven’s Armies.

This revelation wrecked me in the craziest way. Instead of thinking, joy is my strength and I need to be sure to have it all the time. I started to realize the gift God gave me specifically. And when I don’t sing it… I miss out. When I don’t have (or live)  joy I am refusing to live who I really am.

Annie Rose Taylor = JOY!

So I’m still learning some of the verses of my song, but I know the chorus.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord.

Psalms 40:3

So now I stand in the middle of my house, in the middle of Mijas, Spain and I shout…

“The best way to break off fear, is singing loud for all to hear”

And when I’m 80, I will still be singing this God-song. And I will sing it every day until that day, because it is mine to give.